Who are you...?

So I ventured outward again. Back to the cafe. This time I saw who I was looking for... and someone else I wasn't.
Yes, the moment I've been dreading since I stepped off the plane last night has come and went. I saw the Ex. It was very awkward and slightly uncomfortable but I powered through, like always. Kept my cool... and by that I mean I wasn't a complete bitch to him. What's funny is that I did confirm something I suspected a long time ago. He's now dating that girl I want to punch. Or at least all signs point to yes. It's funny how little I care and yet how much it angers me. I think it's the fact that people don't give me the credit I deserve. They think I'm just another dumb waitress. Well, I'm not. I'm a lot more intuitive than people might think, I'm hyper aware of my surroundings and just because I don't always have a lot to say doesn't mean I'm not constantly making note in my head. I see the world in a very different way than most, things that don't make sense to others are common knowledge to me.
Either way the awkwardness only lasted a short time but it was enough to get the old emotion driven part of my brain pumping.

I guess since I've shared this much of my journey with you all I might as well share the rest. I'm homesick. I'm actually homesick... for Michigan. I've never felt a longing for that place in my entire life. Getting as far away from that state as humanly possible has always been a mission for me. Apparently something changed. I'm not sure what, or when, or how... but I feel differently. It's a funny thing because I can look back at all the lonely days spent playing way too much DC Universe Online, or watching entire seasons of TV shows on Netflix watch instantly and how much I longed to have a friend call me up and want to take me out of that house and into the world. I can remember the ache that I felt in my stomach, that burning in my chest to have somewhere to belong. The funny thing is that after coming here in January I felt like I had found that place, that maybe I could belong here. Now that I'm back I feel like maybe I jumped the gun a little.
I kind of feel like I'd rather just stay in my hotel. I know that I've only been here one day. That I need to give it more time, that I can't make a decision on my life based on events that occurred over a 24 hour time period, but I feel like... Something's missing. In an e-mail I received from my mom today she told me to trust my knowledge, head, heart, and gut. It's what I've always done, and yet somehow I feel like I need to make excuses for my feelings. Like I've got something to prove.
Before I left I didn't really like to talk to people about this journey. Most of the time it was because people ask a lot of questions, 90% of them were ones I either didn't want to answer or didn't have the answers to. The rest of it was that I didn't want people to form opinions about what I'm doing. That I'm so stupid for going to a country that is over run by drug lords and violence and poverty (p.s. not true), or that I'm so brave for packing up and leaving to go somewhere that's so foreign to me. It gives me expectations to live up to, some sort of version of me that I don't know I can be all the time, or ever. I have a hard enough time living up to my own expectations of myself and my life that putting other people's on top of that is very exhausting. I didn't want to decide to come home and feel like a failure, or decide to stay and feel like an idiot.
I know the point is to do things for yourself and screw everyone else's expectations of you. Do what you want and you'll always be happy or some nonsense like that but it's hard not to see the look in people's eyes when you change your mind as much as I do.

So on that note....I've decided to be a tourist more. Go see some sights, it's hard to do without a car or any sense of anything but maybe I'll take a tour and go to a mezcal plant. Or maybe I'll just get out a little and wander.
Either way, sitting cooped up in a hotel room or pissing away my time in a coffee shop is not making the best of this journey. Of course it is where my friends are...