Hello blog. It's been a long time since I updated. As I'm sure you've all guessed that means I'm back in the states. It's been a busy couple of weeks, getting back to work and settling back in and everything. I haven't really had much time to think about anything especially writing. Which is a horrid thing to say.
I've been chasing something for a while now. A feeling. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's like I'm looking for this feeling of elation, of belonging, comfort, security...I'm not sure what. All I know is I've been running for a really long time and I'm not sure I'm ready to stop yet.
I'm sure none of this really makes much sense to the reader, unless you've been able to read between the lines all these years. I want something more than everything I have. I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I'm doing with it/want to do with it. I think I just want to have fun. Coming back to Michigan and going back to work has got me thinking that I'm over working. I just want to have fun. I want to go on adventures and enjoy the world and life.
I had another friend pass away in the past week. That makes 6 dead. Six of my friends have passed in the past 5 years. I don't like knowing that one day I'm going to die, and there is a possibility of that happening before I have a chance to do and know and feel everything I've ever wanted. I'm a different breed of person, different than the people I've met in my life. I have an overwhelming desire to know and see and experience everything. That desire runs me sometimes. It's hard to look at my life and know that I'm stuck with a whole lot of empty days because I have to go to work, because I have to stress myself out over things that shouldn't be my problem. Having to micro manage and pick up the slack and direct people in a work environment even though it's not my job. I'm losing sleep, I'm losing days because I'm so caught up worrying about things that I shouldn't be worrying about simply because no one else seems to be worrying.
So because of all of this crap in my life I've decided to try and find a way to do what I want to and make money doing it. Starting soon (hopefully) I'll be able to give myself the time I need to work on my writing and maybe see about selling some travel articles. Maybe I can find a way to have fun for a living.
I still have every intention of posting the rest of my pictures from Mexico and things of that nature I just haven't had a whole lot of time.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Ultimo dia...
Sitting in a restaurant. Alone as per usual. Just ate my last mexican dinner for a while and I'm feeling a little nostalgic. Today I went to the mercado (20 de noviembre) to buy a few things to take home and I remembered the very first time I was here. I remembered trying Mexican ice cream for the very first time. The flavor, tuna, no not the fish. I'm not entirely sure what "tuna" is but I'm not a fan. I remember feeling so bad because here I was trying new things and I hated it. I tried to eat as much as I could. Like a little kid I was mushing it down in the bowl, moving it around to make it look like I had eaten more than I had actually eaten. I remember sitting in this very family style area, the tables were long with benches instead of individual seats. I remember watching a family that was across the small isle way from us. I wanted so badly to be a little Mexican baby who had grown up on that flavor of ice cream so it wouldn't have tasted so bad.
I walked past this place today. I walked past it and I remembered what it felt like when everything was new to me. When I was like a little kid staring out at the world with fascination and wonder in my eyes. I remembered and it made me feel different. Sure I'm older now than I was nearly three years ago when I first came here, I'm a little wiser as well, but the difference was that I used that suddenly as a landmark. I was looking for something specific and instead of using a landmark from the last time I was in this specific market (all of one week ago) I used a land mark from two and a half years ago. Maybe I needed to see it to remind myself that there is still fascination and wonder here for me. That this world is still unfolding all around me.
It's hard to walk away from the mystery and right back into the norm. Knowing what to expect is comforting on some level but when it's not anything exciting it becomes somewhat of a bummer. Living in the unknown is scary but the fear can be exhilarating. It's hard to walk away from the past, from something you've been working toward for so long. It's hard to know you weren't as prepared as you once thought. It's hard to admit that you might have jumped the gun a little. I wasn't ready for this adventure yet. As wonderful as it's been and as much as I want it, I'm not ready. One day I'll be able to return, wiser, more prepared, and I'll be amazing. Hopefully that day comes soon.
I walked past this place today. I walked past it and I remembered what it felt like when everything was new to me. When I was like a little kid staring out at the world with fascination and wonder in my eyes. I remembered and it made me feel different. Sure I'm older now than I was nearly three years ago when I first came here, I'm a little wiser as well, but the difference was that I used that suddenly as a landmark. I was looking for something specific and instead of using a landmark from the last time I was in this specific market (all of one week ago) I used a land mark from two and a half years ago. Maybe I needed to see it to remind myself that there is still fascination and wonder here for me. That this world is still unfolding all around me.
It's hard to walk away from the mystery and right back into the norm. Knowing what to expect is comforting on some level but when it's not anything exciting it becomes somewhat of a bummer. Living in the unknown is scary but the fear can be exhilarating. It's hard to walk away from the past, from something you've been working toward for so long. It's hard to know you weren't as prepared as you once thought. It's hard to admit that you might have jumped the gun a little. I wasn't ready for this adventure yet. As wonderful as it's been and as much as I want it, I'm not ready. One day I'll be able to return, wiser, more prepared, and I'll be amazing. Hopefully that day comes soon.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Llueve sobre la ciudad
Its raining in Oaxaca right now. And the mood in the air is very sad. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe its just me. Maybe its my mood because I know I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. Maybe its something else. The past few days have been fun. The past few weeks have been fun. I'm saddened to return to my boring life of work. I think I need a job where I can travel and write and live and have fun. I think I need something more than the life I've had for so long in the states.
Aside from that. I feel rather bad that I haven't been updating this as much as I'd like but I've been rather out of it the past few days. Out of it in the sense that I've been out and about a lot. Also in the sense that my Internet in my new hotel doesn't work that well all the time. So sadly I wont be uploading any pictures or videos until I return to the states on Wednesday at the earliest. I can't stay connected to the Internet here with a strong enough signal for pictures to successfully upload.
So as for my weekend. I spent Friday and Saturday drinking and eating food in the cafe and in a really cool place we found that was a little off the beaten path. It's name is La Mansion. I can't explain it but I loved it. The people who work there are super nice, the first day we went we just drank a bunch and then the manager, or whatever, bought us a round on the house. The next day we went only 2 of us from the day before (one of my friends and myself) were there and the manager personally said hello to us and welcomed us back. We ate a bunch of shell fish dishes which I'll talk more about when I can upload pictures, and drank a lot of beer. After the restaurant both days we returned to the cafe and I drank some more. Saturday night we ended up and some club or some event thing that one of my friend Sina's friends was throwing. It was like a rave. Electronic music, weird kids in weird outfits, lots of pot smoke in the air, the usual. They had a couple of televisions around the place that were showing pictures of different places and the weird electronica related things that people who like that music are into. Robots and things. One of the photos that kept popping up was the logo for Sina's cafe, the second he saw it he looked at me and screamed "Guera!!! Toma fotos!!!" So I spent most of the time taking pictures of the logo that looked cool and taking other random photos of Sina, my friend Isa, and my friend David who were there with me.
When I woke up Sunday I got dressed and headed out knowing there was some sort of Sunday funday activity awaiting me. We ended up buying a bunch of beers, some food to go (tlyudas) and driving into the mountains again. The area we were in (because I finally know now) is called Ixtlan, It's to the North east of the city and it's a pretty awesome trip.
We ended up a much larger group this time, eight in total, and took our beers and food to the same creek area we went to the week before. We sat and ate and drank and laughed a whole bunch. It finally started to look like rain so we decided to head out of there and go somewhere a little more protected from the elements. We found a different little place than any of the ones we'd been to before. About 5 or 10 minutes after we got there it started to rain. I mean cats and dogs and thunder and lightning rain. We ended up having to move tables like three different times because the tin roof, which is very common in Oaxaca, was leaking. We ate some more food with some of the best salsa verde I've ever eaten in my life. Some "botanas", the first plate was queso fresco, quesillo, and chopped up hot dogs. The next platter was memelitas, and then some tortillas with mashed black beans on the side. It was pretty amazing food. We drank some more and then headed back to the cars to drive back to the city.
Today was uneventful. I walked a little, went to the super with Sina and Peter, ate some good food, ate some more good food, and that's about it.
Now it's 1:30 in the morning, central time, and I'm trying to figure out where I belong.
It seems like every time Monday rolls around I want to go back to the states. Then Tuesday hits and things change all of a sudden. I've never really liked Mondays, maybe that's the problem. I just don't know where I fit anymore. I have only been gone a couple of weeks but I feel like the world is happening all around me and I'm some how stuck in this weird in between place. I'm afraid I've missed too much, or that I will miss too much. Trying to find a place to belong has been the only thing I've been looking for my whole life. I just want to know what home feels like. To wake up in the morning content. To have friends and a life and happiness. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. The hard part is knowing when you've found it. I wonder if I move through life the way I do from one place to the next that I've some how missed out, and then I want to go back, and when I get there it's not the same as I remembered it being. Everything has changed. That's how it was coming back here, that's how it will be going back to Michigan.
I wish I could have the best of both worlds. I know that I can't but it's just hard to know what you want and have it be something that exists in two different places.
So this is my life. Always split in two.
Aside from that. I feel rather bad that I haven't been updating this as much as I'd like but I've been rather out of it the past few days. Out of it in the sense that I've been out and about a lot. Also in the sense that my Internet in my new hotel doesn't work that well all the time. So sadly I wont be uploading any pictures or videos until I return to the states on Wednesday at the earliest. I can't stay connected to the Internet here with a strong enough signal for pictures to successfully upload.
So as for my weekend. I spent Friday and Saturday drinking and eating food in the cafe and in a really cool place we found that was a little off the beaten path. It's name is La Mansion. I can't explain it but I loved it. The people who work there are super nice, the first day we went we just drank a bunch and then the manager, or whatever, bought us a round on the house. The next day we went only 2 of us from the day before (one of my friends and myself) were there and the manager personally said hello to us and welcomed us back. We ate a bunch of shell fish dishes which I'll talk more about when I can upload pictures, and drank a lot of beer. After the restaurant both days we returned to the cafe and I drank some more. Saturday night we ended up and some club or some event thing that one of my friend Sina's friends was throwing. It was like a rave. Electronic music, weird kids in weird outfits, lots of pot smoke in the air, the usual. They had a couple of televisions around the place that were showing pictures of different places and the weird electronica related things that people who like that music are into. Robots and things. One of the photos that kept popping up was the logo for Sina's cafe, the second he saw it he looked at me and screamed "Guera!!! Toma fotos!!!" So I spent most of the time taking pictures of the logo that looked cool and taking other random photos of Sina, my friend Isa, and my friend David who were there with me.
When I woke up Sunday I got dressed and headed out knowing there was some sort of Sunday funday activity awaiting me. We ended up buying a bunch of beers, some food to go (tlyudas) and driving into the mountains again. The area we were in (because I finally know now) is called Ixtlan, It's to the North east of the city and it's a pretty awesome trip.
We ended up a much larger group this time, eight in total, and took our beers and food to the same creek area we went to the week before. We sat and ate and drank and laughed a whole bunch. It finally started to look like rain so we decided to head out of there and go somewhere a little more protected from the elements. We found a different little place than any of the ones we'd been to before. About 5 or 10 minutes after we got there it started to rain. I mean cats and dogs and thunder and lightning rain. We ended up having to move tables like three different times because the tin roof, which is very common in Oaxaca, was leaking. We ate some more food with some of the best salsa verde I've ever eaten in my life. Some "botanas", the first plate was queso fresco, quesillo, and chopped up hot dogs. The next platter was memelitas, and then some tortillas with mashed black beans on the side. It was pretty amazing food. We drank some more and then headed back to the cars to drive back to the city.
Today was uneventful. I walked a little, went to the super with Sina and Peter, ate some good food, ate some more good food, and that's about it.
Now it's 1:30 in the morning, central time, and I'm trying to figure out where I belong.
It seems like every time Monday rolls around I want to go back to the states. Then Tuesday hits and things change all of a sudden. I've never really liked Mondays, maybe that's the problem. I just don't know where I fit anymore. I have only been gone a couple of weeks but I feel like the world is happening all around me and I'm some how stuck in this weird in between place. I'm afraid I've missed too much, or that I will miss too much. Trying to find a place to belong has been the only thing I've been looking for my whole life. I just want to know what home feels like. To wake up in the morning content. To have friends and a life and happiness. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. The hard part is knowing when you've found it. I wonder if I move through life the way I do from one place to the next that I've some how missed out, and then I want to go back, and when I get there it's not the same as I remembered it being. Everything has changed. That's how it was coming back here, that's how it will be going back to Michigan.
I wish I could have the best of both worlds. I know that I can't but it's just hard to know what you want and have it be something that exists in two different places.
So this is my life. Always split in two.
Friday, June 1, 2012
JK JK LOL!!
So, yesterday I drove around a bit with the boys while they went to go take back bottles and get more beer for the cafe. While driving I looked around the city and realized I wasn't quite ready to go home yet. I'm not going to stay to live but I want a couple more days with my friends and to explore a bit, take some more photos and all of that. So I booked myself a new hotel, and changed my flight.
So I'm here for 5 more days.
Last night though, and I want to address this here briefly. First off as I've stated before, I am not a political person. I believe in every one's freedoms to be who they are and believe what they want regardless of if I agree or disagree with their beliefs (religion for example, me= not a believer but I respect the faith of those who do believe). With that being said. I'm so sick of the teachers in Oaxaca. It depresses me. They are, from my understanding, striking and occupying the city of Oaxaca to have higher pay and better union blah blah blah. I don't actually know anything more than the pay raise. My being sick of them has more to do with the fact that all I've seen of them is them pushing and shoving through crowds, screaming in the streets at 4 am, DEMANDING to be treated with respect, throwing their garbage where ever they see fit, and being constantly belligerently drunk. These are not the type of people I would want teaching my children, or myself. These are the type of people you use as an example of how NOT to be.
I was on a forum recently where everyone was arguing about the teachers right to protest and how dare we as tourists comment on the state of the city or how much of an inconvenience it is for them to be here. I unlike most tourists have very good friends in Oaxaca, when I'm here (usually) I don't live like a tourist. I am this time because I chose to stay in a hotel instead of with friends so as not to inconvenience then with the hours i may choose to keep. I hang out at my friends coffee shop and shoot the shit with my native Oaxacan friends. When we go out to eat we go to less tourist type places, we go to places where I'm usually the only white face in the crowd (unless my other white friend comes).
For the past ten days that I've been here I've felt sorry for the teachers having to take such extreme measures to get better working standards. I have never been in a position to have to go to such lengths but I understand. Yesterday changed that for me. They may be here because they have to be, or may be striking against their better judgement but choices that they make outside of those tents in the street are theirs and theirs alone. Yesterday a group of teachers came into my friends cafe and were drinking, heavily. They were causing a bit of a scene, yelling, slamming the tables, knocking over beers, throwing garbage on the floor, cursing and just being belligerent. They were falling asleep at the table from too much to drink, one had peed his pants (probably more than once), they smelled like a bathroom and when they left they thanked my friend who works there and she said "de nada senor" (you're welcome sir), he said "no soy senor, soy maestro" (I'm not sir, I'm a teacher) which carries more weight in Spanish than in English, to which she responded something along the lines of "de nada senor" (you're welcome sir). The fact that this drunken mess of a man had the nerve to correct her after he and his fellow teachers had completely trashed her place of work was beyond me. Maybe I'm out of line for saying this but, what kind of teacher goes around acting like they are better than the rest of us just because they're a teacher? And how is it that they need soooo much more money for teaching and yet can drop $700 or $800 pesos at one bar on beers and not even leave a tip? Maybe my American view is different because I know a lot of teachers, they're in it for the education factor. They want to help kids learn stuff. These people seem to have little or no respect for the city and the people in that city that are housing them for this undetermined amount of time, and yet demand that they respect them more than any other person of the same age or social standing.
Okay, I'm done. I just had to get that off my chest. It's sad to see the people who are shaping the minds of the youth of today acting in a way that reminds you of homeless people or just complete trash. And any of you readers are completely welcome to openly hate me for everything that I've said but after working in the service industry for many years I don't believe that anyone has the right to be that rude and disgusting and have my sympathy or respect.
On a lighter note. Went out last night with some of my female friends here to a bar and had a good time talking with them and drinking a couple beers and eating some food. There were guys making screen printed posters I guess, for lack of a better term, and they were handing them out to customers. All 4 of us got to walk away with these really awesome Mexican street art style posters. It was pretty cool. I'm not sure what I'll do with mine but I will for sure keep it and hang it somewhere in my life. My biggest concern is how to fit it in my suit case without folding it... That will be a bit of a challenge.
So I'm here for 5 more days.
Last night though, and I want to address this here briefly. First off as I've stated before, I am not a political person. I believe in every one's freedoms to be who they are and believe what they want regardless of if I agree or disagree with their beliefs (religion for example, me= not a believer but I respect the faith of those who do believe). With that being said. I'm so sick of the teachers in Oaxaca. It depresses me. They are, from my understanding, striking and occupying the city of Oaxaca to have higher pay and better union blah blah blah. I don't actually know anything more than the pay raise. My being sick of them has more to do with the fact that all I've seen of them is them pushing and shoving through crowds, screaming in the streets at 4 am, DEMANDING to be treated with respect, throwing their garbage where ever they see fit, and being constantly belligerently drunk. These are not the type of people I would want teaching my children, or myself. These are the type of people you use as an example of how NOT to be.
I was on a forum recently where everyone was arguing about the teachers right to protest and how dare we as tourists comment on the state of the city or how much of an inconvenience it is for them to be here. I unlike most tourists have very good friends in Oaxaca, when I'm here (usually) I don't live like a tourist. I am this time because I chose to stay in a hotel instead of with friends so as not to inconvenience then with the hours i may choose to keep. I hang out at my friends coffee shop and shoot the shit with my native Oaxacan friends. When we go out to eat we go to less tourist type places, we go to places where I'm usually the only white face in the crowd (unless my other white friend comes).
For the past ten days that I've been here I've felt sorry for the teachers having to take such extreme measures to get better working standards. I have never been in a position to have to go to such lengths but I understand. Yesterday changed that for me. They may be here because they have to be, or may be striking against their better judgement but choices that they make outside of those tents in the street are theirs and theirs alone. Yesterday a group of teachers came into my friends cafe and were drinking, heavily. They were causing a bit of a scene, yelling, slamming the tables, knocking over beers, throwing garbage on the floor, cursing and just being belligerent. They were falling asleep at the table from too much to drink, one had peed his pants (probably more than once), they smelled like a bathroom and when they left they thanked my friend who works there and she said "de nada senor" (you're welcome sir), he said "no soy senor, soy maestro" (I'm not sir, I'm a teacher) which carries more weight in Spanish than in English, to which she responded something along the lines of "de nada senor" (you're welcome sir). The fact that this drunken mess of a man had the nerve to correct her after he and his fellow teachers had completely trashed her place of work was beyond me. Maybe I'm out of line for saying this but, what kind of teacher goes around acting like they are better than the rest of us just because they're a teacher? And how is it that they need soooo much more money for teaching and yet can drop $700 or $800 pesos at one bar on beers and not even leave a tip? Maybe my American view is different because I know a lot of teachers, they're in it for the education factor. They want to help kids learn stuff. These people seem to have little or no respect for the city and the people in that city that are housing them for this undetermined amount of time, and yet demand that they respect them more than any other person of the same age or social standing.
Okay, I'm done. I just had to get that off my chest. It's sad to see the people who are shaping the minds of the youth of today acting in a way that reminds you of homeless people or just complete trash. And any of you readers are completely welcome to openly hate me for everything that I've said but after working in the service industry for many years I don't believe that anyone has the right to be that rude and disgusting and have my sympathy or respect.
On a lighter note. Went out last night with some of my female friends here to a bar and had a good time talking with them and drinking a couple beers and eating some food. There were guys making screen printed posters I guess, for lack of a better term, and they were handing them out to customers. All 4 of us got to walk away with these really awesome Mexican street art style posters. It was pretty cool. I'm not sure what I'll do with mine but I will for sure keep it and hang it somewhere in my life. My biggest concern is how to fit it in my suit case without folding it... That will be a bit of a challenge.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Home Sweet Home
So this may be my last post this time around. Yes, I'm throwing in the towel and heading back to the states. As much as I love it here, I really think I'm not ready for this life yet. I am in a way, but after looking for apartments and not finding any in my price range and then dealing with some of my depression here and then getting food poisoning. This has been one of the worst trips I've had here. I know it can't be perfect all the time, and I'm not just cutting and running at the first sign of trouble, that's not me. But I do recognize, appreciate, and listen to signs. All the signs I've seen since I've been here have been telling me that this is not the time for this place. That I'm not ready to be here yet.
I'm okay with that. Part of me being okay with that is I still feel pretty sick from my food poisoning and so that is making it hard to want anything other than sleep in my own bed and my mommy.
I'll write more when I get back to the states, my flight leaves early in the morning. So I'll hopefully have some more pictures and things to update from today's journey. And then I might go silent for a while. I might not come back to this blog for a little bit, not because I don't want to, just because sometimes it's easier to asses how you feel about things when you're not having to mold your ideas in a way that's acceptable for an audience. Sometimes removing the audience makes for the best writing.
I'm okay with that. Part of me being okay with that is I still feel pretty sick from my food poisoning and so that is making it hard to want anything other than sleep in my own bed and my mommy.
I'll write more when I get back to the states, my flight leaves early in the morning. So I'll hopefully have some more pictures and things to update from today's journey. And then I might go silent for a while. I might not come back to this blog for a little bit, not because I don't want to, just because sometimes it's easier to asses how you feel about things when you're not having to mold your ideas in a way that's acceptable for an audience. Sometimes removing the audience makes for the best writing.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Me das (give me)
So once again I'm dining alone. Sadly this place has a locked Internet connection and that's one thing I really hate asking in Spanish. I'm not sure if its the way I say the word "Internet", or if its the fact that its called something completely different than "wireless key" here. Either way people usually look at me funny. Its a look I don't like. Instead I stick to open wifi and places where I know someone so I can say "la cosa" or "the thing" for the Internet.
The other thing I hate about dining alone is the people around me, obviously all Mexican, usually look at me funny. Probably because I'm a white girl by myself.
So here I sit. Most beautiful city I've ever seen and I'm alone in a restaurant with no wifi, drinking a dos equis suero and I ordered a hamburger. I know you're probably thinking "Lorn, you're in Mexico, why are you eating a hamburger?!" To be honest... I miss bacon. This place has awesome bacon cheese burgers and I thought, while walking around "what do I want to eat?" The only thin I could think of was bacon. So it was either a bacon burger or I find a Domino's and get a pizza with bacon. So here I am. Sitting at a table for 4 in a mildly busy place about to eat my bacon cheese burger.
And enter other white people. Much to my sadness I suddenly feel like I ruined this place and now its a white person hang out. Suck.
While eating I was attacked by bees. Not really attacked but they were buzzing around. The one thing I'll never escape. I hate bees.
Now I'm home in my hotel. Thinking about my life here. I feel like I had a different vision of what things would be like. I think I built this move or whatever up in my head so it would seem more do able. Now that I'm in it, I'm here in the muck, I realize that maybe this isn't the place for me. Maybe not now anyway. I feel very alone most of the time and I'm not a fan of that. I think about meeting people but I'm not sure how to do that. Every friend I've made over the last few years was either a neighbor or a co-worker, or a friend of a friend. I have friends here, obviously, but the problem with that is they all work all the time. So I end up stuck with nothing to do most of the time except sit in the cafe. Which was fine the last time I was here but this time I want more. Yes, I'm capable of going out on my own and wandering around and looking at stuff, but it's not as much fun alone. The only thing I really feel like there is for me to do is buy things. And I really don't need anything nor do I have the space to do much of that. I mean I can buy stuff for friends to bring home to them but, even that's not that much fun alone.
I had a blast over the weekend. I felt special, important, loved, and now reality has come back and I'm remembering why I felt so homesick at the beginning of last week when I first got here. It's an uncomfortable life here. Not that it's difficult money wise, or anything like that but it's difficult as a foreigner. Unless you can find people to take you in (which I have) and make you feel at home (which I kind of have) it's very hard to make your way without a goal. Mine was to write. Here I am, writing. But I feel the same as I did back in the states. This has become nothing more than me blowing smoke out my ears about stupid shit. I never wanted a "this is what I did today" blog. This is what I've become. A stupid girl who's rambling on about nothing.
I'm very sorry to everyone reading this that I've reduced myself to dear diary. But I'm not sure I've got much more to give.
The other thing I hate about dining alone is the people around me, obviously all Mexican, usually look at me funny. Probably because I'm a white girl by myself.
So here I sit. Most beautiful city I've ever seen and I'm alone in a restaurant with no wifi, drinking a dos equis suero and I ordered a hamburger. I know you're probably thinking "Lorn, you're in Mexico, why are you eating a hamburger?!" To be honest... I miss bacon. This place has awesome bacon cheese burgers and I thought, while walking around "what do I want to eat?" The only thin I could think of was bacon. So it was either a bacon burger or I find a Domino's and get a pizza with bacon. So here I am. Sitting at a table for 4 in a mildly busy place about to eat my bacon cheese burger.
And enter other white people. Much to my sadness I suddenly feel like I ruined this place and now its a white person hang out. Suck.
While eating I was attacked by bees. Not really attacked but they were buzzing around. The one thing I'll never escape. I hate bees.
Now I'm home in my hotel. Thinking about my life here. I feel like I had a different vision of what things would be like. I think I built this move or whatever up in my head so it would seem more do able. Now that I'm in it, I'm here in the muck, I realize that maybe this isn't the place for me. Maybe not now anyway. I feel very alone most of the time and I'm not a fan of that. I think about meeting people but I'm not sure how to do that. Every friend I've made over the last few years was either a neighbor or a co-worker, or a friend of a friend. I have friends here, obviously, but the problem with that is they all work all the time. So I end up stuck with nothing to do most of the time except sit in the cafe. Which was fine the last time I was here but this time I want more. Yes, I'm capable of going out on my own and wandering around and looking at stuff, but it's not as much fun alone. The only thing I really feel like there is for me to do is buy things. And I really don't need anything nor do I have the space to do much of that. I mean I can buy stuff for friends to bring home to them but, even that's not that much fun alone.
I had a blast over the weekend. I felt special, important, loved, and now reality has come back and I'm remembering why I felt so homesick at the beginning of last week when I first got here. It's an uncomfortable life here. Not that it's difficult money wise, or anything like that but it's difficult as a foreigner. Unless you can find people to take you in (which I have) and make you feel at home (which I kind of have) it's very hard to make your way without a goal. Mine was to write. Here I am, writing. But I feel the same as I did back in the states. This has become nothing more than me blowing smoke out my ears about stupid shit. I never wanted a "this is what I did today" blog. This is what I've become. A stupid girl who's rambling on about nothing.
I'm very sorry to everyone reading this that I've reduced myself to dear diary. But I'm not sure I've got much more to give.
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