So yesterday I was chatting with Jose online and he asked me when, or if, I was ever coming back to Mexico.
I responded and told him how I want to, but I don't know if I will or can. I mentioned that I still really wanted to come back for my birthday, like we had planned. He immediately told me that I should. That he would like to see me and he wanted to hang out with me on my birthday. He told me that there were still feelings that he "couldn't explain."
We began to talk more about me coming out for my birthday next month. I of course thinking of all of it in a "wouldn't it be nice" kind of way and him thinking in a "it's going to happen" sort of way. By the end of the conversation he had me convinced.
I felt myself get that awkward anxiety in my body that I can only describe as giddiness. It's that adrenaline and anxiety that you get when you're overly excited about something, so excited that you feel the need to jump up and down, flail your arms about you, and possibly squeal a bit. Much like a teenage girl does when seeing that actor from those vampire movies.
The next thing I knew I was on orbitz.com looking at flight information for the week of my birthday to find out just how much a flight would cost me booking it so close to the date. Roughly $500. And thinking of ways to make it happen. I already have a passport, I have 315 pesos in a tin in my apartment left over from the last time, I know the dos and don'ts of traveling to Oaxaca, I have a duffel bag that's easy to pack, and a job that now allows me to make a bunch of money and take time off. But is this really a road I want to go down again?
I know like a week ago I posted about missing Oaxaca and my birthday coming up and how all I wanted to do for my birthday was spend it there, with him. However, Is it a good idea? Should I throw myself back into the arms of a country that may not actually want me? Can I go down there with no expectations unlike the last time? Can I put myself in a position to stay at his house with him and not fell like I should be sleeping in his bed with his arms around me? Can I deal with the possibility that it really is over between us and his "feelings" are nothing more than caring about a friend? Or the possibility that those "feelings" are the same ones he had before and we get back together?
There are so many questions in my mind about this idea that I can't decide if it's a good one. I leave a lot of my life decisions up to quarters. Flip a coin and decide. I don't know if I miss out because the quarter can't look at all the facts but it makes hard choices a little easier. This is the hardest of all.
So I'm leaving it up to fate. If the universe wants me to go to Mexico for my birthday I will get some sort of sign. Or, to make things a little easier on the universe I set a goal for myself last night. I decided that if I made $500 today at work I could go, or if my grand total for the weekend is at least $900 I can go.
While I was walking yesterday I walked past a sign that said "there's still hope". Today at work I was asked to pick up a shift for tomorrow, and was given an extra like $300 in party pay from a couple of private parties I'd worked last weekend. I didn't walk out of work with $500 in my pocket today but I did walk out with $460. $40 short of my goal for the day and $440 short of my goal for the weekend.
Are those the signs I needed? Should I hold out for Sunday night to see what my grand total is?
Any one have a good answer based on anything other than my own paranoia and fear?
Stay tuned.
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