So, that 6 day work week I mentioned before, turned into a 12 day work week. However, it provided me with a good feeling about buying my ticket to Mexico. I leave the states on May 22nd 2012. It's really happening.
For some reason my nerves are all over the place, along with my anxiety, fear, doubt, concern, and everything else.
I've been anticipating this move for the better part of 2 years. I've learned Spanish, saved enough money, gone back to Oaxaca to make sure it's where I want to be, made friends, purchased all the much needed things to make my move easier, researched things I needed to know before moving. I feel like I've done everything I can to be ready for this move and yet something deep down inside of my is questioning it. Like I'm making the wrong choice.
Pepe and I are still not together, and I'm happy about that. I would love to say that our relationship was this epic romantic comedy of a love story that was going to end up in us getting married and living happily ever after. Now I'm just tired. Tired of fighting, of trying to convince him I'm not as loony as he seemed to think I was, trying to figure out a way to make it work.
In my opinion love isn't supposed to be so much work. It's supposed to come easy, yeah it has it's struggles, but to actually love someone and want to be around them and care about them... that part comes easy.
So the one choice I've made is to do this sabbatical thing without him. There has always been a back and forth between us and part of me thinks once I get down there he'll change his mind again and want me back. I really hope that doesn't happen. I'm over it. I deserve and want something better for myself.
Part of me is also concerned about what comes next.
Maybe my doubt and fear is all because I've been working for this for so long and never once stopped to realistically think about what to do if I can't pull it off. What if I get down there and I write my little brains out and no one wants to read it. What if I fail... then what? I never really thought much about what comes after. I feel like failure isn't ever something they prepare you for. Or maybe they do and I just never listened. Maybe I just never gave myself much of a back up plan on the off chance that this whole thing goes to crap.
The more I think about the move the more time just seems to shove it in my face and bring me to the point where I have to except that it's happening and it is in fact something I want to do.
I've also started to become a little sentimental lately.
I've started thinking about the things I like about my life and the things I'm going to miss about it also. This is super interesting to me because I really don't like Michigan. Or I didn't. Maybe moving always brings about that nostalgia that lives deep down in the hidden parts of our brain even for places and things that we don't like. It's a psychological thing. I took a class on social psych in college and there was this book we read about social influence. One of the techniques that was discussed in the book is something about the value of an item increasing when it's taken away, or when we feel the threat of it being taken away. I think that's what happens to me when I move, and not just to me, I think it happens to other people around me. They suddenly see me as so much more than I actually am. Or they hold on tighter to what little they can in some vain attempt to... hold on.
Maybe I'm just babbling at this point.
All I know for sure is my brain is going places that I'm not entirely sure I want it to go, and I'm less sure I know why it's going there.
T minus 1 month and counting.
No comments:
Post a Comment