End of an era...

(Started 4/24/12 via blogger app.)
So I mentioned in my last post feeling like dropping my cell service was like the end of an era, I've been thinking more about that today. As I sit here drinking my English cider at a bar in Waterford, MI where there is terrible karaoke happening (I hate karaoke but love this bar) I'm thinking more about all the changes that are about to happen. I feel like the moving thing is just starting to set in these past few days and its starting to wig me out a little. Its almost like I've been in denial for the past few weeks... now that I can look at the calendar and say that in one month I'll be in Mexico is making it more real.
The thing I've been dealing with a lot is other people's opinions. Everyone has something to say and I feel like none of it is good. People want to tell me about how they'll miss me or ask me a million questions about what I'm going to do for work and how on earth am I going to live, and oh isn't it so dangerous there... only one person has actually admired me for what I'm doing, and it was a girl I don't even know.
How am I supposed to stay in this place at the request of a bunch of people I don't know? People who don't know me. People who probably wouldn't even piss on me to put me out if I suddenly caught fire. I'm supposed to give up the plan that I've been working toward for the past like 3 years for strangers I've only known in a work capacity for the past 7 months? I all just makes me kind of mad to be honest.
(continued 4/27/12 via computer)
Don't get me wrong, it's not everyone who's telling me that I shouldn't leave, and I'm sure deep down they're probably really happy for me. The problem is that no one really knows what I've had to get through to get to this point. It hasn't been an easy road. Not to mention I'm scared. I think because of that they have no idea what an accomplishment this is. How big of a deal it actually is to me.
People have asked me over the past few days if I'm excited. I keep holding my right hand to about shoulder height and saying "my excitement level is here", then moving my left hand as far as it will go above my head and saying "my anxiety level is here." I'm not entirely sure people get that I'm not trying to be funny, it is funny, but it's also true. I keep trying to picture what everything will be like once I get there and it's all very fuzzy. I've never had a problem imagining what my life would be like in a different place or with different people, I'm a dreamer it's true. This time around though, something is different. It really is the great unknown.

I've been trying to think a lot about what exactly it is that's causing me so much anxiety. I've narrowed down some but I think a lot of it is that I've never moved to a place it was so difficult to come back from. I lived in Chicago, it was 5 hours by car, I lived in Detroit which was 5 hours by car from Chicago if I ever wanted to go back. I lived in Salt Lake City which was like a 2 day drive but flights in and out were pretty cheap and I was ready to get out.
This is a whole other country. It will take a hell of a lot more to keep in touch with people. The problem is that Detroit to Chicago, Chicago to Detroit to Salt Lake to wherever... I've always lost those that I thought were closest to me. I think one fear is that in moving to another country those thin ties that I have around the country will all fray to a point of no return and I'll lose every relationship I've ever built simply because I seem to be the person who falls out of mind as soon as I'm out of sight. However, on the other hand, maybe I'll make new better friends who wont bail on me the second my zip code changes.

It's just a shame I'm watching this "era" end in real time instead of looking back and knowing that it did after the fact.