So It's been a little while yet again dear blog. In my mind I think of a thousand things to write here every day but in the end it becomes a decision between sharing my frustrations with the world and keeping them locked inside my own head.
Everything is moving at the speed of light these days and yet here I am still stuck in the past. It almost feels as if I've missed the bus to somewhere different.
I have decided not to go to Mexico for my birthday. The money ended up being more than what I can afford and the pain ended up being more than I think I can handle. There have been many conversations with Jose and they all seem to point to one thing. He misses me. However I'm not sure If him missing me is because I was such a huge part of his life for the past year or if it's because he's somehow unhappy with his life and thinks me being in it would change things or if it's that he really does still love me and he just plain misses me because he thinks he made a mistake.
The past few weeks have been very different for me. I don't know what I want from my life anymore and I don't know how to get the things I'm pretty sure I do want. It's hard to make decisions because I think I'm still not ready for them.
I want out of this city but can't find a way to make that happen right now. I'm afraid I'm stuck here. The money I was hoping for isn't coming in as quickly as I was hoping and I'm worried about my financial stability if I leave. I don't know if I can make it on my own anymore. I want to but I'm just not sure what to do anymore about anything. My heart is still a million miles from here and that's the only place I want to be. But I know it's not a good Idea.
I just wish someone would knock on my door with all the answers.
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