the 5 am let down

It seems as though things get the hardest when I get off of work. It used to be that he would wait for me at the "L". We would sit and talk for a little while before going our separate ways, or he would come home with me and we'd stay up for a few hours and then go to the taqueria by my house when they opened, because he has the largest appetite of anyone I've ever met. I mean he is always hungry.

Now things get hard when I get off work. I used to love walking past Panera Bread and smelling the fresh scent of cinnamon rolls that reminded me of the day he decided to confess his love for me... in English. I used to rush myself through my cleaning and paperwork, we would exchange subtle nods in the direction of the train indicating we'd meet there, or whisper softly in passing the word "Jackson" when no one was around.

Now I avoid those places because all I have is memories. I know the chances of him coming back are slim to none. But what I wouldn't give to walk out of a long night of dealing with drunken assholes and see him waiting for me. What I wouldn't give to hear him say "Hola Lorn" to me and see the way his mouth moves as he forms the words.

Now all I have to look forward to is the possibility of an e-mail or instant message when I get to my computer. Sometimes a photo of him in Mexico doing whatever it is that he does. Now I get to spend twenty minutes online at night staring at his face and wishing I could touch it, or just wishing I could be there already.

It's funny how this whole thing started and it's even funnier that my life feels like a romantic comedy most of the time. I can almost pin point the ups and downs but really I'd just like to get to the happily ever after part of the story.

I told myself I would never be one of those sappy girls who writes in her blog at 5 am about missing her long distance boyfriend. But here I am at 5:41 am writing in my blog about missing my boyfriend who just so happens to be in a whole different country.

Maybe it's because of the way things were when he left, and maybe it's because I know I only have to wait like 6 more weeks to see him, or maybe it's just because I came home to a photo and an "I love you" in my in-box but dammit... I want December now.